The internet is quite literally littered with lists describing the irritating parts of Instagram. These articles point out bothersome things, annoying things, cliche things, etc. Many of those articles are better-written than this one, which begs the question why should you read this article? My answer to you is that this article isn’t about you, it’s about me. Since my name goes under the title, and these are my words and my thoughts, this is my article. This article is my catharsis, my linguistic therapy session. I’ve been an avid user of Instagram (IG) since April of 2011. Since that time I’ve watched Instagram grow from a tiny community of amateur photographers to the full-blown million-user platform it is today.
During it’s meteoric rise, a lot of chaff has accumulated along with the good stuff. Luckily for us, the chaff is extremely mockable, so let us begin. Following the usual format we’ll be going around the horn pointing out all sorts of inanity just for the fun of it. Tonight Instagram is in the hot seat!
Private Profiles: What Is The Point?
So let me get this straight. You signed up for a social network who’s sole purpose is to share photos. Then, you set your collection of photos to private so that people can’t see your photos? Sir/Madam, please cancel your IG account, take ONLY physical polaroid pictures and then stuff them into a shoebox which you then hide under your bed. Thank you kindly.
People Who Write Blog Posts For Captions: Get A Friend.
Before you post a photo on IG there is a large white box which beckons the user “add a caption” to their photo. Given the fact that you pack that box full of paragraphs, I assume you don’t actually know what a caption is. Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘caption’ as “a title or brief explanation…” [emphasis mine]. Notice that it’s a brief bit of writing. This distinguishing factor of a caption (that it is brief) is so that you don’t confuse it with an essay, thesis, tome, or other types of non-brief writing. If you’re that desperate to shout words into the ether, I recommend going up to a cliff top and expunge your oversupply of words onto the valley below. Or better yet, get a friend and talk their ear off. Or both.
To be honest I don’t understand why you feel the need to post a selfie. I look back in my feed and can’t even understand why I used to feel the need to post selfies! Unfortunately for those of us looking at feeds full of selfies, the constant deluge of mirror shots and duck-faced portraits are just shy (read: not even close) of likeworthy. In order to help you kick the habit of posting this terrible type of photo, I have come up with a quick list of reflective surfaces in which you can get your selfie fix without pestering the rest of us.
1. The inside of an empty Twix wrapper.
2. Spilled oil on the side of the road.
3. 30” chrome rims (generally found on Escalades).
4. Still ponds.
People Who Overshare
Instagram is a place to share your enthusiasm and passion but oversharing is uncomfortable and rude. If you post more frequently than once every few hours, you’re essentially photo-vomiting all over our feeds. I use IG to see a diverse body of work, not 4 or 6 or 10 photos in a row of your new favorite succulent plant. Oversharing will put you on the fast track to me unfollowing you. And while we’re on that topic…
People Who Are Upset That I Don’t Follow Them
This one’s gonna be a bit of real talk. Pull up a chair. Listen close. Look, I don’t know if you know this but following someone on IG isn’t as simple as ‘liking’ something on Facebook, it’s a commitment. When I click “follow” on your profile I am in essence saying that no matter when or what you post I would like the opportunity to see it. To follow is a weighty thing, and I treat it as such. If I don’t follow you, it’s because I don’t want to see everything you post. Now this doesn’t mean I won’t pop into your feed from time to time, maybe like a photo here or there, it just means that I won’t be viewing every photo you post.
-People who ask me to follow them.
-People who ask for a shout out.
-Selective color/HDR photos.